This is a subject that I suppose most of us ignore for a good portion of our life and really only pay attention to when it becomes apparent that we are closer than ever to the part of our lives when we find out whether professing to be an atheist was a bloody stupid move or not!!

It was sparked by a report that outlined what the head of PETA wanted to have done with her body when she shuffled off this mortal coil.

Now I must first point out that PETA stands in this case for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals as opposed to the PETA that I am currently a member of.

I am after all a South African, and one with a warped sense of humour to boot, which is why I belong to the following:

Anyway it seems that Ingrid Newkirk of the other PETA has asked that her will contains some interesting actions with regard to the disposal of her body once she is dead (but apparently not stiff judging by some of the actions!).

The most brazen being that all her flesh is barbecued and that her skin is used to make leather objects.

I don't know about you but unless Mayor Mel was right and there are still cannibals in Africa I'm not sure what she intends to achieve with her barbecued flesh. After all most countries have laws about eating people. And if she wants it to be fed to other animals then couldn't that be construed as cruelty to animals and have the SPCA types complaining as well? Judging by the generally scrawny appearance of most PETA types I would classify feeding barbecued meat to any animals as starving them as well as cruelty.

Her liver apparently will be shipped to France to take part in a campaign against the making of Foie Gras. Which given the French predilection for putting all sorts of disgusting insects and animals into their mouths will probably not have the desired effect and could even wind up being classified as a delicacy! Foie Gras PETA! With the delicate hint of vegetables and dandelion wine!

Lucky for the one umbrella that would able to get in them she is still debating whether to have her feet turned into an umbrella stand like those Elephant Feet Stands that seem to grace the houses of so many ex-pats at the moment.

Then in an effort to at least prove that she has one she has asked that a part of her heart be buried at Hockenheim Racing Circuit in Germany! Apparently she adores Michael Schumacher and this is what she refers to as her only indulgence. Except all the other weird requests which are all personal indulgences as well but we should never mention that in case we notice the feet of clay!

But actually Ingrid is not as weird as she sounds. It seems that there is a thriving business in North America catering to the absurd wishes of people who feel that making an ass of themselves after they have died is yet another way to gain notoriety.

Lets leave aside all those people who want to be buried in particularly shaped coffins. Car shaped, golf bag shaped or caskets with hunting themes or even the woman who wanted to be buried in her car. I can't remember what it was but I do know that many collectors of sports cars had a collective fit over that one!

We come from Africa and there are many places in Africa where coffins are specifically made in different shapes for various reasons, so that isn't so unusual.

OK Being buried in a KISS themed coffin is and I suppose that might be classed as over the top. As is the white cardboard casket that comes complete with Bic pens so that mourners may sign their names and “wish the deceased good luck”!!??!

Which if it were downwards would probably not be read anyway as I believe that cardboard would probably be burned to a cinder on the way!

So our friend on his way down may prefer to have his ashes made into a diamond by LifeGem in Chicago. At least put the heat to good use!!

LifeGem will process the carbon ashes into graphite and then into a synthetic diamond. A quarter carat costing $4000 while a full Carat will be $22,000!

In my case probably a lot more. Or maybe I could have a whole lot of small ones made and then get them sold off to cover the funeral expenses.

Actually there are a few possibilities that I find intriguing. CelebrateLife! will mix your ashes in with the powder in fireworks so that your family will be able to get a bang out of your departure. But it does seem rather quick as an option.

I think I prefer sending my ashes to the moon on a Russian spaceship that will crash on the surface. Mind you at $2500 a gram that is also an expensive option for me. On the same theme Celestis Inc. will put seven grams of my ashes into space for up to fifteen years for $5300. Timothy Leary of LSD fame has taken up this option.

I was a little disheartened to note that at the end of this time the ship re-enters Earths orbit and then disintegrates Bit of a waste actually.

So maybe I should have the oil painting option. Your ashes get mixed into oils and an artist paints you into a picture of your favourite landscape. I am presuming that it has to be a landscape as certain wise guys would no doubt feel obliged to have their ashes used in a nude painting instead. Of someone other than their spouse!

Perhaps she could then do what one avid hunter did, which was to have his ashes mixed in with his sons shotguns shells so that he could continue in the next seasons hunt! Except she may want to leave instructions that the painting be used as the target instead!

The only one that wasn't mentioned though was the good old Viking burial, which still seems the best way to go. So long as it is combined with a rip roaring raise the roof wake.

In the last month or so Toronto has been hit with not one but two outbreaks of SARS. A particularly gruesome murder of an 11 year old girl where it was discovered that 200 (yes you read that right - “TWO HUNDRED”!!) registered sex offenders lived within a few hundred yards of where the child was abducted. The growing realisation that over 30,000 illegal immigrants live in the GTA and that a disproportionate percentage of them are involved in questionable activities.

We have had the Mad Cow Disease striking the cattle farmers out West with the Americans boycotting any beef supplies. Problems with potatoes out in PEI. In fact a whole host of disturbing areas of concern that should be the primary need for attention by all the politicians up in Ottawa.

So what have been the major debating areas in Government lately? What mind shattering, matters of major importance to the people of Canada are being thrashed out? What needed the attention of all the MP's so much that they had to railroad legislation through before they all toddled off for their summer snooze?

This is Canada after all! Can you imagine anything more pressing than ensuring that homosexuals are allowed to be married? The dagga smokers I can understand. After all it appears that most of the people who voted the current mob in to power were high at the time!!

We are talking political correctness and social reengineering taking precedence over every other aspect of life.

So a little girl is kidnapped, apparently raped, murdered and dismembered. There is a bill before Parliament to make a “sex offenders list” mandatory and countrywide. Was this debated? Not a chance. A little girls life is less important than the rights of paedophiles. Or those of drug takers and homosexuals either!

With the amount of asinine hoo haa taking place about the “rights” of both groups lately you would think that they are the most persecuted people on earth!

Instead of, in the case of the homosexuals, one of the most tolerated groups living in one of the most tolerant countries around! Which is probably why they insist on their “in your face” agitation all the time. Which if anyone actually questions goes from the “poor misunderstood” to the “victims of major oppression” role faster than even the visible minority groups are able to move into action on the racism issue!

I am still trying to work out why it is that there was a necessity to have the Ontario Courts rule that homosexuals are allowed the right to “marry”.

There is currently a “common-law partner” statute on the books that appears to cover the need to provide both security and legal process in the case of acrimony in a break up.

I believe that the major area of concern has been that various organizations and companies will not recognize the partner in a homosexual union for purposes such as insurance, or health care, and other, benefits, but I am sure that this is the area that should have been addressed rather than the need to have this union legally recognised as a “marriage”!

It seems to me that “marriage” as such is seen in every country, religion and even tribal grouping as that between a Man and a Woman. Whether it is for the purposes of procreation or merely to provide (as the homosexuals were looking for) security and legal protection it has been accepted that this union is between two members of the opposite sex.

Oddly enough even during the times when homosexuality was as practiced and tolerated as it currently is in Canada, and we are talking back in the Ancient Greek and Roman times, there was still no need to have the union blessed in the same way as the normal marriage between man and wife.

I think that like most Canadians I feel that there should be rights (and obligations by the way!) for every member of society and that when it comes to issues such as benefits, healthcare and insurance there should be no discrimination allowed.

I have a big question mark though as to why there is this pressing need to be “married” and why the term “marriage “ should be used to describe the union. If some of the comments being bandied about, about taking organized religion to court on charges of discrimination and, more disturbingly, trying to have the Bible classified as “Hate Speech” are the aim of even a few members of the group then I feel very perturbed.

The fact that the nation is split on this issue and that apparently about 60% feel that homosexual marriage should NOT be legalized appears once again to have passed our dearly beloved dictator and his goons completely.

Rather like the debate on Marijuana that was had recently. Canada now has a law that allows possession of minor amounts of marijuana but effectively criminalizes and heavily penalizes anyone who grows it or sells it. Which begs the question as to where this dagga will miraculously appear from!

I have this suspicion that the Government is setting up pot farms somewhere in order to both control and reap taxes from the sale of this stuff. Which is why possession is OK for your own consumption but lets get that pesky competition off the streets and let the legal pusher take over.

Only a liberal can come up with the inherent stupidity in the laws that now govern the whole pot-smoking scene. Or maybe they were all inhaling for a change this time!!

Perhaps rehabilitation of MP's is the area that needs to be debated when they all come back from their recess.

Which, if you suffer from triskadekaphobia, is probably a good thing and means that you are at least moderately happy that this day will soon be over and you will have no more worries for the rest of the year. Black cats, ladders, broken mirrors and other superstitions notwithstanding!

If you suffer from triskadekaphobia and live in Port Dover then I would suggest that you had better not suffer from any irrational fears about people who drive motorcycles either!

Because around about midday, on each and every Friday the Thirteenth every year, more than 50,000 motorcycle riders converge on Port Dover for yet another motorcycle rally.

Similar, from what I understand, to the old Buffalo Rally that used to occur back in South Africa. Although this being Canada, a lot less alcohol is consumed and consequently less fatalities appear to be involved in the event. This of course doesn't stop Konstabel Koos and other interested parties from keeping a beady eye on the proceedings

Port Dover has a population of 5000 hardy souls. The rally brings in anything up to 100,000 people starting from the Thursday night and going on until Sunday when a few hardy stragglers wend their weary way home.

So as you can see there is the small problem of being massively outnumbered when it comes to outsiders that the local townsfolk have to put up with.

This is of course North America, which has a strong capitalist element to its makeup though and so almost everyone who is able to gets involved in that old hallowed tradition:

All right that may be a bit harsh, but like all good storekeepers who eye an opportunity the residents of Port Dover seem more than happy to welcome the ravenous hordes. The tills no doubt making a sweet music that stills their worried breast!

Chris Simmons and about twenty-five friends decided to have a get together on the Friday. This was purely through word of mouth and more of a social gathering than any pretence of a rally.

The Zoo having pretensions above its station in life, it is now apparently called Angelo's of Dover.” Which given that we are talking about thousands of leather clad bikers here just doesn't seem to have the right name to fit into a weekend of Harley Davidson inspired debauchery. Even if it is Canadian style!

Although I will admit that Angelo's proudly boasts that it is an “Italian Steakhouse” and probably even more importantly, that it has the longest bar in Port Dover. Just how many bars there are in Port Dover I do not know but I do know that Angelo's' bar at seventy-seven feet long is the longest.

Anyway, those present at that first meeting had such a good time that they decided to make it a regular occurrence on every Friday the Thirteenth from then onward.

Which meant that those who were originally there told a few friends, who told a few friends, who told a few friends and so on, and the whole event snowballed to the huge rally that it currently is!

For the first time the event has been properly organized and a committee was formed. This was apparently at the request of the Norfolk County Council. No doubt so that they would have someone to pin the blame on!

Given that Canadians love committees, I am rather astonished that this hasn't happened before. Be that as it may, this year they have a committee and in addition, for the first time, they will have a “Show and Shine”.

The “Show and Shine” is being held in the Port Dover Arena Ball Park and is where competitors get to show off their machines to all and sundry. I think that this was part of the committee's actions to get past the complaints that this rally was only about eating, drinking and “looking at each other”. Which pretty much sums up almost every bikers rally around. So why the PD13 rally should be any different I don't know.

Oh Yes! That little “PD13” is the new “with it” designation for the whole show. No doubt dreamed up by some marketing whiz on the committee to appeal to the brain dead out there so that it will make the Port Dover Rally as “hip” as the Beerfest up in Kitchener/Waterloo!

Mind you there are beer tents going up everywhere and there is an outdoor concert at the “Show and Shine” with well over twenty bands doing their thing so I suppose I shouldn't be so dismissive. And anyway I bet that the anti smoking zealots will be a little more circumspect when it comes to trying to make this event a non-smoking area as they did with the Bierfest up in K/W. There's something about a 300 lb leather clad, ZZTop bearded biker that seems to send warning bells flashing. Or should!!

Although there are apparently many Ontarians who take the opportunity to go down to Port Dover and treat the whole experience very much as if they were in a Safari Park. Roll up all the windows and drive slowly along the street gawking at all the bikers. No doubt saying whatever the local equivalent of “Kydaar” is!!

Which is why this year no cars will be allowed into town. Only those cars of the locals will be given special passes, while all outsiders will be shown to car parks and shuttled into the area. Where they will probably beg the bus driver to roll up the windows and drive slowly through the area!!

So if you want to be part of this mass of biking heaven then you are unfortunately going to have to wait until February 2004. At which stage you need to go down past Hamilton, get on Highway 2 and carry on through the Six Nations reserve all the way down to the seaside town of Port Dover on the shores of Lake Erie. I would suggest that doing it on a motorbike would be appropriate. Preferably a Hog!

In the meantime I will try to work out why everyone refers to fear of Friday the thirteenth as Triskadekaphobia when that is actually the fear of the “number thirteen” and in reality fear of “Friday thirteenth” is actually “Paraskevidekatriaphobia”

What do you do if you are a high visibility local politician who is running for Mayor of the city and you get caught out in a major lie involving what is probably a bribe?

In other words `I think you are a bunch of stupid palookas who will swallow anything and still vote me into office.”

This is Canada and we have a very blatant example of that in the current Liberal Party Government and Ole Jolly Teflon Jean Le Cretin!

Only this was Toronto. Which as everyone knows is the centre of the Universe. Gods gift to multicultural society everywhere. The epitome of Liberal overlordship and the one city that “knows what is best for you”!!

Well OK! Let's be a bit fairer here. It wasn't only Toronto that has suffered from a paucity of honest politicians lately. It's just that this particular one was not only caught out in a bald faced lie, which he denied but that he also is running as a candidate for mayor in Toronto. Not to mention the small matter of sending lawyers letters to a local newspaper when they originally broke the story.

OK so what is this juicy piece of gossip then? Mayor Mel Lastman (he of the bad advertising jingles, foot in mouth quotes and various illegitimate children!) has at last decided that the public has had enough of his histrionic absurdities (Oh! Jolly Jean please take a hint!!) and announced that he will not stand for Mayor next year. Which has of course bought out all the usual suspects!!

Tom likes to watch Ice Hockey. Tom likes to watch the Maple Leafs play hockey. Tom was very lucky that that one of the Leafs family was able to fly him and a few other high-powered people to Philadelphia on a private Jet to watch a game!

Unfortunately the person who hired the Jet was also involved in the small matter of a computer contract that was currently being debated in City Hall. Only a few million or so. Nothing to be concerned about really. So when the matter of an over inflated contract was first raised various interested parties began to play ostrich!

Including our dear Tom. Who managed not only to deny that he had ever been on the plane but actually got the other five people on the plane to conveniently have a memory lapse as to whether he had actually been present.

Now dear Tom is not the sort of guy who melts into the background easily!! So five other people who are unable to remember if he was present is rather remarkable! As was the lawyer's letter he sent to a local newspaper demanding that they retract their statements.

So when dear Tom was forced to admit that he actually had been on the Philadelphia junket and as such had been lying all the time the news media descended on him like a pack of hyenas!

Perhaps I should explain that this contract for computers was awarded to a company who managed to expand the actual amount of about $30 million to roughly $100 million during implementation. Which even for Canada is classified as a prime gouge!

The prime suspect in all this was one of the Maple Leafs Brothers. Who judging by many of the comments and some of the evidence presented was purely there as a result of this link!!

The irony is that the Maple Leaf player is everything that his brother isn't! Including such maligned values as honesty and integrity! He was however a great snake oil salesman.

Meanwhile in Mississauga we have a local Councilor who feels that despite being involved in a bribery court case he too can continue to run for local elections!!

Actually Cliff Gyles is on charges of corruption and breach of trust! The Police have tapes of him demanding bribes from local businessmen in order to secure rezoning applications!!

Yes you are right! He was actually caught with marked bribe money and there are transcripts of him demanding Payola but despite all this he has already filed his papers for the November elections!!

This particularly nasty “peoples representative” has so little shame that he is contemptuous of the whole process of both litigation and election and even worse thinks that the electorate are so stupid that they will elect him!!

And not to be out done by the left wing we have the rather stupid case of the PC MPP (member of the Provincial Parliament) who flashed a finger at one of the Liberal opposition members during question time.

Given the particularly cretinous kindergarten name calling that was taking place at the time I too would have been sorely tempted to extend a middle digit and let the Liberal sheep on the Opposition benches understand the full extent of my acrimony!

The Parliamentary proceeding at Queens Park are televised live!! You have to be rather dense, and completely ignorant, not to realise that you may have been caught on camera when you deny something that everyone has seen. Repeatedly!!

You see the problem as I se it isn't so much that these Politicians lied, but that they were caught out in blatant circumstances and that despite that they still carried on lying!!

Which sadly means that honesty and integrity may be way down on the list when it comes to the local Politicians in Canada. We know that this has overtaken the Federal Politicians long ago but it appears that the malaise has spread to all levels of Government!